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Anger is a normal feeling. But how do we manage it? Several of my therapy clients have found these techniques quite helpful.
Worth reading them…
Anger is normal, but...
Most people don't enjoy feeling angry. It's uncomfortable. Anger can have unpleasant repercussions and destructive consequences for everyone concerned.
What to Do
Instead of reacting impulsively, train yourself to keep a lid on angry feelings until you have cooled down. Then c... See more Anger is a normal feeling. But how do we manage it? Several of my therapy clients have found these techniques quite helpful.
Worth reading them…
Anger is normal, but...
Most people don't enjoy feeling angry. It's uncomfortable. Anger can have unpleasant repercussions and destructive consequences for everyone concerned.
What to Do
Instead of reacting impulsively, train yourself to keep a lid on angry feelings until you have cooled down. Then confront the situation -- or person -- calmly. When flooded with negative emotions, the ability to hear, think and speak are severely impaired. Taking a "time out" can be enormously constructive. However, 5 minutes are not enough; research suggests that people need at least 20 minutes to recover from intense psychological arousal. During those minutes (and at other times, too), try some of these techniques for coping with and defusing anger:
1. Become Aware of what precipitates your anger. Most people have identifiable triggers. Once you know the roots of your anger, you can deal with it more constructively.
2. Monitor the feelings and bodily sensations you experience when you're becoming angry. Learn to use these sensations as cues to stop and consider what is happening and what to do about it.
3. Change the thoughts that trigger anger, interpreting the situation from a different (less provocative) point of view.
Often, this involves looking at the situation from the other person's perspective. Changing thoughts produces new feelings which displace the anger.
The quicker you can reinterpret a situation the better. Brooding fuels anger, but seeing things differently quells it. Reframing a situation is one of the most potent ways of controlling anger.
4. Write down angry thoughts.
Once you have them on paper, challenge and reappraise them. Or write a letter to the person you're angry with and then tear it into a hundred pieces. But be careful: The longer you dwell on what made you angry, the more reasons and self-justifications you can find for being angry. Try not to fan your own fire.
5. Identify and express the feelings that precede anger. Anger is often a secondary emotion, erupting in the wake of other feelings, like frustration, resentment, humiliation, or fear. Try to become aware of the underlying emotion and express that feeling instead of anger.
6. Respond assertively.
The goal isn't to suppress anger, but to express it in non-aggressive ways. Blaming, accusations, threats and name-calling are aggressive responses. Calmly and assertively stating your thoughts and feelings about a situation, without blaming, is a far more powerful way to respond in conflict.
7. Relax.
Anger is a high-arousal state, so one of the most helpful things you can do is engage in an activity that lowers blood pressure and heart rate, like yoga, stretching, deep breathing, massage, visualization, guided imagery or meditation. Activities like gardening, painting, and woodworking may also be very helpful. Running, walking, dancing, swimming and other forms of aerobic exercise "work off" anger and leave you feeling relaxed.
8. Relinquish your anger.
If angry feelings about a particular person or situation are eating you and none of the above techniques proves helpful, try doing what may be the most courageous and difficult thing of all: Just let it go. If the anger is based on some old wound deep inside, letting go starts a healing process. Consider enlisting the support of a professional therapist.
Immediate strategies for coping with angry feelings
Quiet the adrenaline rush
·Breathing deeply and/or physically exerting your body will help to lessen the adrenaline rush. Try yoga for deep breathing.
·Dancing, fast walking, running, aerobics, etc., will help to calm you down.
·You could also try screaming and shouting (into a room, not to anyone).
·Focus intently on a work activity or household chore.
·You might also like to use some of the ideas given below, such as positive self-talk or verbalizing feelings, as immediate strategies for coping with anger.
Long term strategies for coping with angry feelings
Use positive self-talk
Make a list of positive statements and affirmations which you can use to reassure yourself when you feel angry. Here are some general suggestions:
·I have a right to feel angry when... I am frustrated / hurt / manipulated / exploited / ignored / let down, etc.
·I have a right to... not know about something and not understand / make mistakes / change my mind / make my own decisions and cope with the consequences.
·I cannot change the past but I can change how I feel about it.
·My self-esteem can survive without the approval of everyone.
Verbalise your feelings
If you are angry with someone, if possible confront them. Try to start positively. Be direct. 'I'm feeling...' Specify how angry you are. Don't accuse others of making you angry. Instead say 'I feel angry when you... ' Share your feeling of threat and fear at revealing how you feel. Acknowledge your responsibility. Avoid putting yourself down. Don't play psychologist, label or moralise. Criticise the behaviour and not the whole person. Be specific and realistic in your requests. Don't threaten with punishments. Alternatively, talk to someone else you think will listen. If there is no one to talk to, even shouting at an empty space can be calming and healing.
Take time out
Lie down and listen to some pleasant relaxing music. Perhaps go for a walk to a local park, museum or church to calm yourself.
Meditate
There are lots of books which describe how to meditate or classes where you could learn. Concentrating on your breathing or a specific word or mantra will take your mind off obsessive thoughts and into stillness.
Image making
Picture an ideal or workable resolution to a situation which makes you feel angry. To practice try some of the following:
·Form an image of yourself feeling empowered (eg. imagining yourself as superwoman, or remembering a time when you felt strong and positive about yourself).
·Picture yourself responding to the situation or person that made you angry in a way that would make you proud.
·Remember a time in your past when you handled an anger-producing situation well. What did you do? Could you use that technique in this situation?
·Think of a time in your past when you weren't pleased with your response to an anger-producing situation. Form an image of yourself handling it differently. What specifically could you have done? Can you incorporate any of that into your present situation?
·Think of someone who you think handles situations well. What would s/he do? Could you use that technique in this situation?
Analysing your anger
If you feel safe to do so you could try writing about all the times you've been angry. Note major incidents, betrayals and circumstances that angered you in the past, recording your feelings at the time, the result of your actions and whether they were effective. You could also try to identify the things that trigger your anger. Make a list of your fears and insecurities. They may include fears of abandonment, lack of power, imperfection, falling apart. Compare them with the feelings and emotions you discovered when writing about your anger. Are these themes constants in your life? By finding out what frightens and upsets you, you can begin to work alone or with a therapist to understand and overcome them. ▲ Collapse
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Shkëlqyeshëm Vjollca. Është mirë që të marrësh informata të tilla nga specialisti. Edhe një herë shumë të falemnderit.
Mendoj se inati/zemërimi tek të rriturit është shumë më tepër serioz se sa tek të vegjëlit. Ashtu siç shkruani ju Vjollca, inati apo zemërimi është një ndjenjë normale. Por kur tejkalohet kufiri i inatit tek të rriturit, mendoj se ata kanë vërtet probleme serioze, ndoshta më kryesoret janë ato që përmendni dhe ju: pasiguria në vet... See more Shkëlqyeshëm Vjollca. Është mirë që të marrësh informata të tilla nga specialisti. Edhe një herë shumë të falemnderit.
Mendoj se inati/zemërimi tek të rriturit është shumë më tepër serioz se sa tek të vegjëlit. Ashtu siç shkruani ju Vjollca, inati apo zemërimi është një ndjenjë normale. Por kur tejkalohet kufiri i inatit tek të rriturit, mendoj se ata kanë vërtet probleme serioze, ndoshta më kryesoret janë ato që përmendni dhe ju: pasiguria në vetvete, inferioriteti, lakmia për fuqi/pushtet, por pamundësia për ta patur atë, shikimi i vetes si një qenie e papërsosur, madje më ulët se të tjerët etj. Këta lloj njerëzish vërtet që kanë probleme serioze me veten e tyre dhe prandaj mundohen t'i flakin këto probleme tek të tjerët. Për këta lloj njerëzish, çdo gjë e keqe që ndodh në jetën e tyre vjen si pasojë ose si shkak i veprimeve të të tjerëve, dhe jo si rrjedhim i akteve personale. Në fakt jeta është vetëm një rrjedhim i akteve apo zgjedhjeve personale. Çdo gjë që bëjmë bazohet mbi këto zgjedhje.
Vjollca, do të shkruaj këtu më vonë edhe një artikull nga një psikolog i njohur në këtë fushë.
Gjithë të mirat,
Ani
Vjollca Märtinson wrote:
Analysing your anger
If you feel safe to do so you could try writing about all the times you've been angry. Note major incidents, betrayals and circumstances that angered you in the past, recording your feelings at the time, the result of your actions and whether they were effective. You could also try to identify the things that trigger your anger. Make a list of your fears and insecurities. They may include fears of abandonment, lack of power, imperfection, falling apart. Compare them with the feelings and emotions you discovered when writing about your anger. Are these themes constants in your life? By finding out what frightens and upsets you, you can begin to work alone or with a therapist to understand and overcome them.
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| | | | | Learning to manage anger | Feb 6, 2004 |
Learning to manage anger
There is no question about it. For many of us, learning to handle our angry feelings is similar, to learning to ride a bucking bronco, Anger is a powerful feeling whose gyrations can toss our rational self right to the ground. Left unchecked, anger can become a stampede that destroys the people and things we value most. It is encouraging, therefore, that human behavior scientists and helping professionals have been figuring out the specific steps that we can... See more Learning to manage anger
There is no question about it. For many of us, learning to handle our angry feelings is similar, to learning to ride a bucking bronco, Anger is a powerful feeling whose gyrations can toss our rational self right to the ground. Left unchecked, anger can become a stampede that destroys the people and things we value most. It is encouraging, therefore, that human behavior scientists and helping professionals have been figuring out the specific steps that we can take to manage this normal human emotion. We now have the knowledge to teach specific anger management skills to children. Given many recent tragedies involving youth and school violence, this appears to be an opportune time to ensure that our children have these skills.
Researchers like Dr. Arnold Goldstein and Dr. Eva Feindler originally studied how to teach anger management to children in out-of-home placements. The next step, of course, was to create programs for children in the community. Today, many communities offer anger management and violence prevention programs in schools, agencies, churches and other organizations that serve children. The establishment of these programs is a positive sign that society is able to acknowledge how difficult it can be for children to learn to handle their feelings of anger.
Several anger management programs are now available. Although they target children of different ages and grade levels, they nonetheless share several principles which form the basis of an anger management program.
"TRIGGERS"
In anger management programs, the term "trigger" is used to refer to the situations that set us off and lead us to feel angry, Sometimes, children think that no one else could possibly understand or have the same "triggers". However, when children have the opportunity to share their "triggers," they soon learn that their angry responses are not unusual. In fact. They learn that they have many "triggers" in common with other people, peers as well as adults.
Degrees of Anger
Children can be taught to notice that some "triggers" make us a little angry, while others make us very angry. Many factors determine how angry we get. One factor is whether we judge the incident that "triggered" us to be accidental or deliberate. We would probably be less angry if someone accidentally stepped on our toe than if they intentionally punched us. Another factor is how we feel about the other person. Presented with the same "trigger," we are more likely to react with less anger to people we like than to people we do not like. Helping children understand that there are degrees to their anger will help them understand that successful anger management requires many different tools. A child may use one tool when slightly angry, but may need to draw on many tools when burning mad, Every child is encouraged to develop tools for his or her own anger management tool box.
The Physiology of Anger
Most programs focus on teaching children the skills to identify the physiological reactions of anger. We can help children understand that there are many different ways that anger shows itself in their bodies. Moreover, several important goals are accomplished by raising awareness about the physical accompaniments of a child’s angry feelings. First, we help to raise a child's awareness of his or her unique set of physical responses when angry. Next, we tend support to a youngster's taking steps to identify and acknowledge his or her angry feelings. A child cannot appropriately manage angry feelings if he or she is not in touch with or is ashamed of these feelings. Finally, and perhaps most important, we can help children understand that knowledge about the physiology of anger leads to useful techniques for handling anger. We can modify our angry state by manipulating our own physiological reactions. By breathing slowly and deeply, we can transform anger into a calmer emotional state, Likewise, by relaxing our tense muscles we can begin to calm ourselves. Since we always have our breathing apparatus and our muscles with us, we always possess tools to help us stay calm and in control.
Thinking Tools
Children can be taught to use their thoughts to manage their anger. Thinking, also known as "self-talk" is another tool that youngsters can use to keep themselves calm and in control. Children can easily experience the difference in their own emotional states when their thinking is directed toward increasing their anger (e,g., by thinking, "I'm gonna make him pay ") rather than decreasing it (e.g., by thinking, "I'm gonna walk away,"). Conducting a role play in which children get to use their thoughts, first to heat things up and then to cool things off, is a valuable exercise. Children can be encouraged to develop a personal word or phrase that they can use to interrupt an angry state and redirect themselves to a calmer state. This special word or phrase is known as a "self-statement". "Stay calm," "walk away," and "it's not worth it" are all examples of "self-statements."
Anger Log
Encouraging children to write their angry reactions provides for their developing another useful coping skill. Children can benefit from a self-monitoring device that helps them track: 1)the anger-related incidents in their lives; 2)the degree of their anger; and 3)the way they handled their anger. Making a log available provides children with the opportunity to develop the skill of directing themselves to use the log in an effort to appropriately manage their anger. Conclusion Children can learn to exert self-control and handle their anger in a positive way. They can learn to transform their physical responses and thoughts into powerful tools to calm their anger. As they succeed in mastering the tools which help them manage this potent feeling, they feel a sense of accomplishment that feeds their self-esteem. They are ready to enter the rodeo as champions. After all, it takes real skill to ride a bucking bronco.
REFERENCES
Feindler, E.L. (1995). Ideal treatment package for children and adolescents with anger disorders (pp. 173 -195). In H. Kassinove (Ed.), Anger disorders: Definition, diagnosis and treatment. Washington, DC: Taylor and Francis. Feindler, E L. (1991). Cognitive strategies in anger control interventions for children and adolescents. In P.C. Kendall (Ed.). Child and adolescent therapy: Cognitive-behavioral procedures pp, (56 97). New York: Guilford Press. Feindler, E.L.,& Ecton, R,B, (1986). Adolescent anger control Cognative-behavioral techniques. New York: Pergamon Press. Goldstein, A.P. (1988), The Prepare Curriculum: Teaching prosocial competencies. Champaign, IL: Research Press Goldstein, A.P.,& Glick, B. (1987). Aggression replacement training: A comprehensive intervention for aggressive youth. Champaign, IL: Research Press. Kellner, M.H. (1997). Weaving Anger Management into the Classroom Culture. Classroom Leadership, 1,4. Kellner, M.H., & Bry, B.H. (In press), The effects of anger management groups in a day schol for emotonally distrbed adolcentsAdole ence. Kellner, M.H., & Tutin J. (1995)- A school-based anger management program for developmentally and emotionally disabled high school students. Adolescence, 30, 813-824.
BY Millicent H. Kellner, Ph.D., LCSW ©1999 CPC Behavioral Healthcare, Inc. ▲ Collapse
| | | | | Anger Management | Feb 6, 2004 |
Controlling anger - before it controls you
We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as a full-fledged rage.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems: problems at work, in your personal relationships and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful em... See more Controlling anger - before it controls you
We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as a full-fledged rage.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems: problems at work, in your personal relationships and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. ▲ Collapse
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| Anger Management - What is anger? | Feb 6, 2004 |
What is anger?
Anger is 'an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage,' according to Charles Spielberger, Ph.D., a psychologist who specialises in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as does the level of your energy hormones, adrenaline and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and inter... See more What is anger?
Anger is 'an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage,' according to Charles Spielberger, Ph.D., a psychologist who specialises in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as does the level of your energy hormones, adrenaline and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a co-worker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a cancelled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
By American Psychological Association ▲ Collapse
| | | | | Anger Management - Expressing anger | Feb 6, 2004 |
Expressing anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviours, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms and common sens... See more Expressing anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviours, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming.
Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive - not aggressive - manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behaviour. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward - on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behaviour (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticising everything and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm yourself down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behaviour but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down and let the feelings subside.
As Dr. Spielberger notes, 'when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone - or something - is going to get hurt.'
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
American Psychological Association
[Edited at 2004-02-06 18:55] ▲ Collapse
| | | | | Anger Management - Why are some people more angry than others? | Feb 6, 2004 |
Why are some people more angry than others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, Ph.D., a psychologist who specialises in anger management, some people are really more 'hotheaded' than others; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk or get physically ill... See more Why are some people more angry than others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, Ph.D., a psychologist who specialises in anger management, some people are really more 'hotheaded' than others; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological; there is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we've taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic and not skilled at emotional communications.
American Psychological Association ▲ Collapse
| | | | | Anger Management - Is it good to 'let it all hang out'? | Feb 6, 2004 |
Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that 'letting it rip' with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.
It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to deep those triggers from topping you over the edge.
American Psychological Association
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| What strategies can you use to keep anger at bay? - Relaxation | Feb 6, 2004 |
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn them you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; ... See more Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn them you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your 'gut'.
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as 'relax', 'take it easy'. Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
Use imagery; visualise a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
American Psychological Association ▲ Collapse
| | | | | What strategies can you use to keep anger at bay? - Cognitive restructuring | Feb 6, 2004 |
Cognitive restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear or speak in highly colourful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, 'oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined,' tell yourself, 'it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about... See more Cognitive restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear or speak in highly colourful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, 'oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined,' tell yourself, 'it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.'
Be careful of words like 'never' or 'always' when talking about yourself or someone else. 'This machine never works,' or 'you're always forgetting things' are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
For example, you have a friend who is constantly late when you make plans to meet. Don't go on the attack; think instead about the goal you want to accomplish (that is, getting you and your friend there at about the same time). So avoid saying things like, 'You're always late! You're the most irresponsible, inconsiderate person I have ever met!' The only goal that accomplishes is hurting and angering your friend.
State what the problem is, and try to find a solution that works for both of you; or take matters into your own hands by, for instance, setting your meeting time a half-hour earlier so that your friend will, in fact, get there on time, even if you have to trick him or her into doing it! Either way, the problem is solved and the friendship isn't damaged.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is 'not out to get you,' you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective.
Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires.
In other words, saying 'I would like' something is healthier than saying 'I demand' or 'I must have' something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions - frustration, disappointment, hurt - but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
American Psychological Association ▲ Collapse
| | | | | What strategies can you use to keep anger at bay? - Problem-solving | Feb 6, 2004 |
Problem-solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution but rather on how you handle and face the p... See more Problem-solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. (People who have trouble with planning might find a good guide to organising or time management helpful.) Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts, and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
American Psychological Association ▲ Collapse
| | | | | What strategies can you use to keep anger at bay? - Better communication | Feb 6, 2004 |
Better communication
Angry people tend to jump to - and act on - conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be pretty wild. The first thing to do, if you are in a heated discussion, is to slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to ... See more Better communication
Angry people tend to jump to - and act on - conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be pretty wild. The first thing to do, if you are in a heated discussion, is to slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your 'significant other' wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting you partner as a jailer, a warden or an albatross around your neck.
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticised, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger - or a partner's - let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
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| What strategies can you use to keep anger at bay? - Using humour | Feb 6, 2004 |
Using humour
'Silly humour can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. if you're at work and you think of a co-worker as a 'dirt-bag' or a 'single-cell life form,' for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleagues desk, talking on the phone... See more Using humour
'Silly humour can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. if you're at work and you think of a co-worker as a 'dirt-bag' or a 'single-cell life form,' for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleagues desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings.
Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humour can always be relied on to help un-knot a tense situation.
The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is 'things oughta go my way!' Angry people tend to feel that they are morally correct, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them.
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realise that maybe you are being a little unreasonable; you'll also realise how unimportant the things you're angry about really are.
There are two cautions in using humour. First, don't try to just 'laugh off' your problems; rather, use humour to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humour; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself to seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
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| | | | | What strategies can you use to keep anger at bay? - Changing your environment | Feb 6, 2004 |
Changing your environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the trap you seem to have fallen into, and all the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some 'personal time' scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that... See more Changing your environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the trap you seem to have fallen into, and all the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some 'personal time' scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes it's a brief quiet time, and she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
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Useful tips
Timing: if you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night - perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit - try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance: if your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say 'well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!... See more Useful tips
Timing: if you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night - perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit - try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance: if your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say 'well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!' That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: if your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project - learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
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